By: Dalia Sebat
A collection of observations, advice, and judgements on winter and the holidays
Take these with a grain of salt. Most are satire.
Pristine white snow draped luxuriously over the branch of a fresh pine. A frozen lake, waiting for someone to slip on their skates and populate its pure and shiny surface with swirls. The occasional snow rabbit, barely distinguishable from the whiteness of the winter wonderland. Then you step out into this paradise and immediately want to run, somewhere, anywhere, from the bone-hollowing, nose-nipping, piercing, feral cold. You feel snow slipping down the back of your jacket, where it melts, leaving uncomfortable droplets on the small of your back. Suddenly, you can’t feel your toes. Everyone wants it to be winter, until it’s winter.
They say spring is mating season, and for most animals, it is. Not for humans, though! For humans, it’s winter. As the air gets colder, every homo sapien in the northern hemisphere begins to yearn for the fire of love. New couples spring up left and right, holding hands while ice skating, curled up by the fire watching a holiday classic, and agonizing over obligatory gifts for the person they just met. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
Speaking of gifts: the holidays are a time to straighten out one’s priorities. Money is limited, but presents are to be bought. Therefore, it is crucial to evaluate one’s relationships with the people in their lives, to see who truly deserves a treat this season. I would advise making a list of every person who you plan to give a gift to. Then, under each name, write 3 good things about them, and 3 ways they’ve done you wrong in the last year. If you find trouble coming up with 3 good things, cross their name out right away. Same thing if you can’t narrow the cons down to just 3. After this exercise, your holiday shopping list should be cut down to a manageable size, for your wallet and self-esteem!
If you find yourself at a family gathering where nobody is your age and you feel like slipping out the back door, slip out the back door! They cannot legally require you to remain on the premises, and your time is valuable. You are always your first priority.
A fun New Years-themed game: every time someone tells you their New Year’s resolution, make note of it. When you catch them breaking it, give yourself one point. Give yourself two if you call them out on it. Three if they raise their voice above 30 decibels. Just some holiday fun for the whole family!
I hope these observations and pieces of advice are helpful for surviving the upcoming winter season. Don’t hesitate to contact me for help!